Finding God Between The Sheeps

Sleep…..  We spend about a third of our life in this condition.  That means, since I’m 24, I can claim that I’ve spent approximately 8 years sleeping.  And if you know me well, that number is probably higher.  But the point is, that’s a lot of sleeping.  And yet, we tend to ignore this part of our lives. 

Every day, I spend some good number of my life doing explicitly religious activities.  Whether it is worshipping, celebrating the Eucharist, praying, adoration, spiritual reading or school, I have a set of mental theology that accompanies with what I do.  But I probably spend twice as much time a week sleeping and yet, I have never thought about it theologically.

C.J. Mahaney in his book titled Humility: True Greatness, says that sleep is a daily gift from God.  Psalm 127:2 says, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved in his sleep.”  Sleep is a gift so graciously provided in God’s lavish generosity and love that if one neglects this gift, they will suffer from anxiety and health consequences.  God is good and sleep is part of God’s goodness to us.  The importance of having a proper night’s rest reflects not only onto our physical well-being, but also our spiritual wellness.  Therefore, recognizing the theological significance of our slumber is essential.   

There are three theological points that I want to make about sleep.  First, God does not sleep.  We are able to rest because we know that God is on the watch and God is in control.  Our God is the God of the all-nighter.  When we sleep peacefully, it can be a manifestation of our trust in God and we are able to renew our mind with the calm assurances of the promises of God.  It reminds us of our dependence on God and gives us an opportunity to entrust ourselves, our entire self to God’s care.  Secondly, having to sleep proves that we are not God.  I particularly enjoy this quote from Fr. James Martin, SJ, “The Good News is that there is a Messiah.  The Better News is that it’s not you!”  As we sleep, strength is restored, the mind is cleared, and we are prepared to serve God another day.  God could have created us without a need to sleep and devote more time to do God’s work.  But each night as we are confronted with the need to sleep again, we are reminded that we are not self-sufficient.  So when we are tired, we can be humbled to our humanity and rest.  Jesus in his full humanity, slept.  When anxiety causes us to have difficulty sleeping, we can imagine Jesus sleeping in our boat and ask him to calm the storm.  Having Jesus in our boat is better than having a hundred people bailing water!

Third, sleep is a good practice for death.  I always wondered why in the children prayer before bed it had to mention about the possibility of death, “Now I lay me down to sleep… if I should die before I wake…”.  As I grew older, I realized that it makes sense to recite a miniature kind of last will right before I turn off my conscious control of my heart and mind, and recline into a state of total oblivion.  That moment when we consciously choose to be unconscious and let ourselves go, is a daily opportunity to relinquish control to our God and a reminder of our baptism into Christ’s death.  We lay down our body and the control of our conscious mind to say that we are not the Creator.  There is only the One who “will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:4) and neither you nor I am the One.  Sleep as Mahaney puts it beautifully, “is a picture and a parable of what it means to be a Christian.  Your sleep tonight will be a small but real act of faith.  You’ll lay your full weight on a bed, trusting this structure to support you.  You can fully relax, because no effort at supporting yourself is required; something else is holding you up.  And in the same way, throughout the night as you sleep, someone else is sustaining you.  This is a picture of what it’s like to belong to Christ.”



I pray that we would all sleep sweetly and refreshingly tonight, with souls stilled and quieted, like trusting children in the arms of God (Psalm 131).

The Lord of the Dance

 “If these Christians want me to believe in their god, they’ll have to sing better songs, they’ll have to look more like people who have been saved, they’ll have to wear on their countenance the joy of the beatitudes.  I could only believe in a god who dances.”

– Friedrick Nietzsche (who popularized the idea that “God is dead”)

 

I’m not much of a dancer so most of the time I enjoy watching shows like ‘Dancing with the Stars’ over me actually doing it.  One of the things about dancing shows is that they make it look so easy, so when you are actually on the dance floor, it seems like rocket science just trying to keep up with the rhythm and flow.  It takes a lot of work and sweat just to last an entire song, but there’s always something about dancing that is so captivating. 

I think Nietzsche probably saw such beauty in dancing too that made him associate dance as character of the divine.  While meditating in prayer today, I was struck by the word “abidance.”  Jesus says, “Abide in me as I abide in you” (John 15:4).  A branch cannot bear fruit unless it abides in the vine… abide… abidance… abi-dance… DANCE. 

Remaining in God is a lot like dancing.  This is because you are not struggling to be in control and worrying about how to take the first step.  You surrendered yourself to the flow of the music to let God lead you and give the cues.  In this way, you have become one with God like how two dancers become one body.  When you are in sync together, the two of you sway beautifully.  

Abidance means to trust God to lead and guide us through each step of our lives.  Abidance means to dance.  To take God’s hand and move in the same spirit of Christ.

The Apple of God's Eyes

Those who know me, knows that I love apples, from apple pies to Applebee’s to the Apple iPad.  Being from the state of Washington, home of the Apple Cup and the largest apple production in the country, I have a unique fond for apples.  I love the colors, textures, smell and taste of apples.  But I have never reflected upon apples until I ran across Zechariah 2:8, “… whoever touches you touches the apple of God’s eye.”  It was a simple, but profound statement.  I realized that each one of us, including myself, are really all apples of God’s eyes.

I think that self-realization is one of the greatest revelations in prayer to come to.  Many times I feel that I am the apple of God’s eyes, but on others occasions, I feel unworthy of God’s love and forget how precious I am to God.  To be an apple of someone’s eyes means you have to be very dear to them and be at the focus of their life since the pupil is at the center of the eye.  I love the reality behind this imagery.  It is saying when I look into God’s eyes, I will be able to see my own reflection.  Sin of course, turns our eyes away from God and gaze at something that is disguised as love.  It is during these moments, I find myself feeling like a bruised apple. 

But even a bruised apple can be a precious gift in itself.  This is because when an apple is bruised, it sucks in more nutrients so that it can heal, and therefore, makes the apple sweeter.  For me, one of the things that I will take away from my novitiate is the knowledge that God not only loves me, but it is God’s joy to love me.  As my spiritual journey continues, I continue to take our founder, Fr. Leo Dehon’s words of going out to the world with a Bible in one hand and the other a newspapers to heart.  Of course looking at the signs of the time, I would like to tweak it just a bit by carrying a Bible in one hand, and the other with an “Apple” Ipad.  

 

Mama James.....

“Mama!”  A little girl in her yellow dress called out for me to pick her up and hold her.  It was the first time in my life someone called me that.  And certainly I did not expect that would happen in the Amazon of all places!  Nonetheless, God is unexpected. 

She spent a good portion of the day chasing me around so that I would pick her up.  At the end of the day, I still cannot forget the image of her as she burst into tears when she was leaving, stretching her hands out to me calling out, “Mama!”  I cried inside and at that moment, I thought of my mom.    

My mom is the person that taught me how to be a prodigal parent.  When she cradled me during my infancy years, she poured out and emptied herself so that I can be full of life.  She puts me first and is lavish in affection.  She is also a reckless spender of grace.  Her extravagant way of spending love can be seen as wasteful sometimes. 

In our culture today, it is sad that men are degraded to being more as predators than protectors.  We seem to have lost touch of what it truly means to be a man and what manhood is all about.  We forget that Jesus chose the best for himself to be born into a woman, and be nourished and cared in her arms. This is because he never looked at a woman with lusting eyes nor breaks her down with a mob of angry people.  Jesus elevates women from shame, lifts them up when they fall, and invite them to be whole in his presence.  Jesus judges the interior beauty, the beauty of the heart.    

Like any little girl, all of them want to be picked up, carried, held, loved and sought after.  That doesn’t change as they grow older.  It has been five years since I last saw her.  She has probably grown much and unrecognizable even if I did bump into her.  I know she has become a beautiful teenager now and perfect in her own way. 

And if you ever miraculous come to read this one day, I want you to know that I still think of you.  I want to tell you also to never settle for less.  Be a woman of grace, dance with Jesus, and he will let the perfect man cut in.  Always remain in Jesus’ heart, so that one day a man will have to enter the heart of Christ to find you.

 



"Jesus, here is James. James, here is Jesus."

Before entering the novitiate year, my family gave me a picture of Jesus entitled “Jesus, llama.”  It has a picture of Jesus stretching his hand out as it if he was calling us to come to him.  Sometimes this invitation is not as easy to respond to.  It’s a daily struggle to have the will power to approach Jesus.  This may be because we feel tired, ashamed, proud, restless, angry, or unworthy.  For some reason this past week during my retreat, I just felt so restless.  I wrestled with the solitude of being a hermit.  It was like my body telling me to do something, be productive and get up.  In contrast, my heart was telling me to slow down, worry about the ‘now’, and immerse yourself in God.  In our culture, accomplishments equal self-worth, I felt completely useless.

I knew I was on retreat so I felt the need to impress God and myself with fancy and creative prayer performances.  At times, I couldn’t come up with anything spectacular so I fall back to a prayer book, the rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet.  It was a safe bet and I was sure God would be pleased.  I felt holy and my head was swelling in pride.  That sense of holiness didn’t last for long because it was fabricated.  It quickly dissolved and I felt miserable again, back to being restless.  The first day passed, then the second, and then the third.  By Thursday, I cheated and went to a nearby parish where they had perpetual adoration.  This was because I know where ever I am or whatever I am doing, being in the presence of Christ through the Eucharist always makes me feel at home.  And home is where my heart is at the most peace. 

I don’t know how to describe it in words, but upon entering the door to the adoration chapel, awe was struck upon me and I felt a pull.  It seems there was a joyful presence that wants me here, more than I want to be there, and it felt right.  I was nervous and anxious, but sat down and uttered what were just simple words: “Jesus, here is James.”  And from the monstrance to my heart, “James, here is Jesus.”  What seems to be just plain and ordinary words, are actually a profound prayer experience.  It was this one-sentence dialogue that sums up my entire novitiate year.  Jesus, here I am, I have come to do your will.  James, here I am, I desire to be in your presence.  You are in my mind and in my heart.  Come to me, lay down your burdens and find rest.  Let me gaze upon your eyes and show you the depth of my love for you.  James, here I am, be still… and know that I am God.     

Phụng Sự, Five Years Later.....

It is hard to imagine that this is my fifth year as a Huynh Truong.  I always wanted to become one because of the role model HTs I had as an Au Nhi.  Although I skipped a good chunk in between, I came back wanting to fulfill that dream before parting ways.  What I didn’t know is that I would stay for this long.  The first few years of TN I have to say were the best years.  We had a wonderful group of kids and HTs in Nganh Thieu and everything was just so perfect.  It was the good old days, some of my best memories.  Then we got old, the kids got old, and moved on.  I’m very grateful for those years, my beloved HTs and my beloved kids.

 

What did five years do to me?  In a sense nothing much.  Still a HT cap 1, haha…. still in nganh thieu.  And in the other sense, everything.  I’m five years older, which feels like fifty sometimes these days.  And I’ve changed, I see things differently.  Like everything, when you are brand new to things, you have so much energy and think that you can change the world for every kid.  Five years later, I realized I no longer have that energy level nor can I change the world for any kid.  That realization comes from a more humbled approach that I am not Jesus and I can only act as John the Baptist to point my kids to Jesus who is the only one that can change anyone’s world. 

As I work with kids in TN setting and in other settings, I become more aware that teenagers need relationships.  Our ministry to work with the youth should be focused on relationships not the programs or activities.  Granted that those things are important, they should be the external parts that lead to the core relationship, God.  God is a relationship, of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  For our kids to see that, many times we are required to be more pastoral.  Sometimes our kids come from torn and broken families.  Alcohol, drugs and violence become the gods they are used to.  That’s the way they see love.  In those times, as HTs we are called to live out our lives in a way that those who don’t know God will come to know God because they know us.  

I think each of us is called to evangelize in different ways according to our gifts and talents.  One of the main attractions that make me love camping is that there’s usually always a fire.  For some reason, I always enjoy just looking at it and sitting next to the heat.  It’s something about the flames that put me to awe every time.  In a book that I’ve read, “The Godbearing Life,” it gives a great image of a log in a fire as being compressed sunshine finding its way out.  The tree spent its whole life absorbing the sun and once it is lit up, it gives back.  To me, that’s the image of youth ministry.  We are the logs absorbing the sunshine day in and day out waiting to be consumed and exhausted in the fire.  Working with youth for me puts my heart ablaze.  I think I learn as much from my kids as they learned from me.  But the image is really not complete unless you add another element into it, air.  The fire only continues to burn if there is oxygen.  As TNTT, we believe that comes from Jesus breathing the Spirit into us.  It may feel depleting and empty sometimes, but every year we managed to come back, to do it one more time. 

I honestly don’t know how I keep on coming back every year.  If I had to give an answer, I would have to echo Mary’s words, “Here I am, the servant of the Lord.  Let it be done unto me according to your word.”  Mary, a prominent figure in Scriptures and what seems as an improbable choice, was chosen and called by God to become the mother of God.  In her womb, she bore Jesus.  And so, we are called to be Godbearers like her.  With all the chaos that teenagers have to face today, from the virtual world to sex to belonging, as HTs we have an overwhelming and complicated playing field.  Lots of times we too are starved for spiritual nourishment that we feel hypocritical to teach anything.  It is then essential that we have to live an authentic life because kids are keen in spotting our scrawny faith.  We must present to them a God of truth and wholeness, that can withstand the idols and false gods like drugs, alcohol, consumerism and self-harm.  From my experience, the kids don’t expect us to be perfect.  They expect us to be genuine, to be caring, to be loving, and to be Godbearers.  They don’t need more programs and activities.  They need more God.  May our hearts burn always without being consumed, and may we follow Mary’s yes and bear with her the fruit of her womb.    

 

Look for the Helpers!

"In the midst of the darkness of this tragedy we turn to the light of Jesus Christ, the light that was evident in the lives of people who immediately turned to help those in need today." ~ statement from Boston Cardinal Sean O'Malley on bombing at Boston Marathon

Sometimes it is beyond our understanding to wrap our heads around a senseless act such as that of the tragedy that happened at the end of the Boston marathon today.  We often feel helpless and hopeless, knowing we cannot stop such tragedies.  The pain is added when we realized that there are even more tragedies that go behind mass media and into the silence.  We began to question God’s existence or if God is truly powerful and all good.  I had my personal struggle back in 2004 when the earthquake and tsunami struck South Asia.  I began to seriously dwell into the question, “Where is God when it hurts?”  It took my faith by storm and before I knew it, I no longer believe in God.  To make a long story short, it took me years to fully reclaim my faith.  The problem of suffering as I have realized is a problem for the belief as well as the non-belief.  Abandoning my belief in God does not somehow make it go away or any easier to handle.  In fact, taking God out of the picture made it worst.  Without God, suffering becomes meaningless and hopeless.  I left my belief because I did not see God amidst the tragedies.  Years later, I recognized that I was wrong.          

I’m writing not to offer any answers or new insights, but rather to remind ourselves that we need to “turn to the light of Jesus Christ” in these times of sorrow.  Fred “Mister” Rogers once said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.’  To this day, especially in times of ‘disasters,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”  Those “helpers” are the light of Jesus, those “helpers” are Jesus.  Jesus is always with it, this is especially true in times of tragedies.  Jesus was on the grounds of the marathon carrying a child to safety.  He was there tending to the injured through the hands of first responders, doctors and nurses.  He was there comforting the crying and the scared.  He was there patiently in line to offer to donate blood.  And he was there welcoming those who lost their lives back to their heavenly home.  God was present, just look at all the “helpers.”

It’s unfortunate that we live in a world where news like these are not uncommon.  I don’t think anyone can ever get used to it.  But tragedies remind us, as cliché as it may sound, that life is short.  You will never know what will happen tomorrow so always live lovingly and to cherish your family, friends and loved ones.  Life is too short to be filled with many worries, unhappiness or fear.  Appreciate the things around you.  Hug those that mean the world to you.  And tell those closest to your heart that you love them.     

 

May the souls of the departed rest in peace. May God console the families and friends of those who lost their lives. May God help all the injured heal, and give them and their families courage and hope for the days ahead. May God guide the hands of the doctors and nurses. And may God bless all the people of Boston. (Fr. James Martin, SJ)

Hope-Filled Scars

I always wonder around this time why Jesus chose to resurrect with the wounds and scars still on his body.  As I look at his wounds and scars, I am reminded of the wounds and scars of the people who have told me that they cut themselves.  Cutting is their way of coping and attempt to control the things that are going in their lives.  I have been told that what hurts more is the aftermath when they have to face their own scars.  They carry those scars with the negative emotional feelings that run with it, from anger to shame to failure.      

I think our wounds and scars, physically and emotionally, are what identify us to the people who are most intimate to us.  When we become personally close to someone, we become personally close to their wounds.  Nonetheless, this is how Thomas came to recognize Jesus and absolved his doubts. By Jesus’ wounds, we have been healed (1 Peter 2:24) and by his scars, we find hope.  The scars of Jesus show his suffering.  We can’t remove the scars just like we can’t remove the cross from the resurrection.  Our wounds will eventually heal, but the scars and memories remain.  It is a reminder to us that we are broken people who have a God that is willing to be broken to reach out to us.  Similar to Thomas, we yearn to unite our wounds with the wounds of Jesus.  We yearn to be able to embrace our scars and fill it with hope.  Good Friday is a day of hope because it tells us the story did not end here.  May we be reminded that we are a people of Easter and may we bring that sign of hope to one another.   

 

 

"The Two Shall Become One....."

God is love.

If you disagree with that statement, then I suggest you to stop reading because the rest will be meaningless to you. 

As a human being, we all have the desire to love and be loved.  We yearn to live a life that is fulfilling, loving, and relational with other people.  That’s why the issue of gay marriage is very sensitive.  It becomes personally sensitive when we know someone who is homosexual, especially our loved ones.  Therefore, we have to approach the issue with sincerity and compassion, and try to have a mutual understanding between both sides.  Because I am a Christian and heterosexual male, I approach the issue with that baggage. 

I believe in the traditional definition of marriage which is the union of one man and one woman to each other.  This does not mean I hate gay people, it does not mean I do not support rights for gay people, and it definitely does not mean I am less loving and accepting of gay people (some of the people in my life are gay).  It simply means I see marriage differently than some people.  When we alter the definition of marriage, I’m afraid that there won’t be a clear boundary on where to draw the line.  Although it may seem nonsense, but the possibility of broadening marriage between more than two people comes into play.  As well as marrying relatives, underage marriages, or animals have to be considered.  It may sound absurd to use marrying animals as an example, but what is more absurd to me is that some animals in the U.S. have more legal protection and rights than human fetuses in the womb.   

Marriage, I believe, is a gift that God gives to us to reveal the union of Christ and the Church.  Like all gifts, it is intended for us to share with one another to bring greater glory to God.  This extends marriage beyond the two people that are involved when taking vows.  It involves most importantly the children who are the fruits of the relationship.  The problem with same-sex couples is that they cannot naturally conceive a child.  Therefore, they cannot provide both a mother and a father.  We do not know enough of how or if a child is affected in a household with homosexual parents, but there are various studies that suggest the negative effects of children raised in cohabiting relationships or divorced parents.

I realized that the Church’s teaching of celibacy for homosexuals can be emotionally challenging to do.  But we do live in an age that encourages the indulgence of our every urge and inclinations.  Satisfying every inclination that we have does not automatically equal happiness.  Of course, some of our urges are unhealthy, such as drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, greed, etc. and ought to be resisted.  With that said, celibacy is not easy, it is a gift.  Ask any priests or religious and you will know that it is a constant struggle.  Sometimes we don’t get to choose our struggles, but we are able to control how we handle them.

As I said in the beginning, God is love.  Love is not easy, it is rather complicated.  But the essence of love entitles every person with respect, dignity and integrity.  But that does not mean I lose respect or love for my homosexual brothers and sisters with my beliefs and values of traditional marriage.  To quote Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, “There is no other subject on which the average mind is so much confused as the subject of tolerance and intolerance…  Tolerance applies only to persons, but never to principles.  Intolerance applies only to principles, but never to persons.”  

Intricacy - A Lenten Reflection

Intricacy

Sitting next to you,
Thinking back at the stories of our lives
We laugh
We play
We dream
And we would sometimes cry.

I would always listen to your singing soul
And sing the song we always sang together
The music of our hearts unfolds in its beauty
To whisper the words of loving you

- James N.

This was actually a short poem I wrote three years ago after looking out the window at how the song sparrows flew so freely under the warming summer weather. It reminds me of a different poem I read about how a song sparrow is able to land on a little twig because it doesn't take much to hold its weight. Its dream also rest upon the small extension. If it never let its dream land, it will not gain enough strength for the long flight ahead. And all it takes is a little twig to hold that great dream.

Nature is just so amazing especially how the little details could teach us so much. I could stare outside my window all day and would still be in awe at every moment. Life is just so special and I think in today's world, we move too quickly to even catch a glimpse about the things around us. I sometimes just like to sit somewhere quiet and cherish the beauty that surrounds me.

That’s why during the 40 days of Lent, I like to reflect on the things that happened in the past year. Sometimes I am too distracted by the noise of the world that builds in me and it clutters my life that I can’t hear God. I forgot how silence can be golden, and how being there for someone in sharing empty words, listening, and having the compassionate presence can go a long way.

Life gets overwhelming and we often look pass all the wonderful things we take for granted and fail to acknowledge or appreciate their existence. For this year’s Lent, I invite you to take time and cherish those little things, to rediscover the books, movies, photos, clothes, toys, flowers, sunsets and songs that influenced your life. The people, events and memories that touched your heart and have a special meaning that you allowed the hectic-ness and complications of life shelve them away.

 

To be conscious about something is to be aware of it.
Dear Lord, help me to remember that You gave me life.
Thank you for the gift of life.
Teach me to slow down, to be still and enjoy the pleasures created for me.
To be aware of the beauty that surrounds me.
The marvel of mountains, the calmness of lakes, the fragility of a flower petal.
I need to remember that all these things come from you.
Amen.

Are Catholics Cannibals?

If transubstantiation means the bread and wine become the body and blood of Jesus Christ, doesn't it means that Catholics are cannibals?

I like to think of things as having both a substance and a form. Human beings also have a substance and a form. For a living person, the substance is that of a human and the form is the human body. So just to be clear, the substance is the nature of being human (not to be confused with human nature) and the form is the physical body. For a dead person however, the form is still the human body but the substance is no longer of a human. This is because to be human, you must have both the body and soul.

When the bread and wine are offered up during mass, they have both the substance and form of bread and wine. But when transubstantiation takes place, the form remains that of the bread and wine but the substance changed to the body and blood of Christ.

Cannibals are people who have the practice of eating human flesh, as in they eat the form but not the substance. Catholics who eat the body and blood of Christ through the bread and wine are eating the substance of Christ and not the form. As Catholics we do not eat human flesh so therefore are not cannibals. What we do eat then is the substance of Christ and in fact, eat Christ.

When we consume meat, the meat goes through our body and is digested to give nutrients to the body and keeps us alive. The meat is part of ourselves and absorbed. When we consume the body and blood of Christ, we make Christ a part of ourselves and give off nutrients to our souls that make us alive.

"I have no taste for corruptible food nor for the pleasures of this life. I desire the bread of God, which is the flesh of Jesus Christ, who was of the seed of David; and for drink I desire his blood, which is love incorruptible.” – Ignatius of Antioch

First Journal Entry in Mississippi

I will be back to visit Mississippi tomorrow and thought that I would share my first journal entry from this past summer when I was there for ministry with Catholic Social Services. Amidst the struggles of poverty and racism in the area, many of the people that I have met, began their stories with grace.  I learned and experienced what God's grace was all about during my entire stay and it started out in day one. 


June 4, 2012

As the lightning and thunderstorm welcomed us to Mississippi last night, today was our first full day in the state.  The ten-hour drive thanks to the stop at St. Louis was quite enjoyable as I am able to cross out the Gateway Arch from my list of what I always wanted to see.  Mississippi is certainly different from Chicago.  There are acres and acres of fields of crops and wildlife is more prominent.  The humidity and the southern accent are some things that cannot be missed.   

The first day, as always, is introduction day and getting everything settled for the next few weeks.  After touring around the facilities, I was assigned to the food pantry to help out since two of the volunteers were sick today.  I was surprised of the amount of donations that was received because most of the food banks in Seattle were all drying up.  The need these days are high and due to the bad economy, donations aren’t able to keep up.  Just being in the food pantry and looking around at the food that was being passed out, moved into shame.  Most of the food that was stocked was food that I wouldn’t consider eating on a typical day.  I come from a place where organic and fresh foods are the norms so canned foods are looked down upon on because of the high preservatives and low nutrients.  Although I still eat canned foods, it wasn’t something I depended upon to survive on a daily basis.  Non-perishable foods aren’t always the tastiest food there is. 

Interacting and getting to see the people who come into the food pantry was interesting.  It wasn’t my first time helping out at a food bank or pantry, but every time I do, I always experience something new.  There are some people who believes that the poor abuse the system and I do agree, there are some that do.  But many don’t and there are too many people who depend on such programs that they shouldn’t be penalized from something that the few does.  For me, it is difficult to imagine my kitchen being completely empty of food because I never experienced that before.  But the reality is that there are families that go hungry every night because they simply aren’t able to provide due to various circumstances.  If you don’t have the basics to even get a chance to try hard to succeed, you won’t even have a chance to try at all.  It is survival mode for some of these families and sometimes you want to give them everything.

Of course “everything” is not possible because of the vast amount of needs.  You need to save your time, energy, and other form of assistance for all those who come in.  If you give out all the food to one family, the families that come in after that won’t have any.  How can one give out grace equally?  That is a question only God can answer because I don’t think humanity can ever be totally non-biased.  I know for me, I have the tendency of dividing the resources as evenly as possible to help the maximum number of people as possible.  But doing so eliminates the opportunity to be generous.  It becomes so systematic sometimes because of your calculations to satisfy your own ideals the reach the maximum number of people that you forget that God gives out grace freely.   The good news is that I am not the Messiah so I need not be perfect.  I think God loves us for our imperfections as well as our attempts at perfection.  You see that in Rick and Linda (names changed), two volunteers with Sacred Heart Southern Missions.  The two aren’t the most workaholic people, but you can see they put their heart into what they do.  While I was calculating how many canned food to give to a family of three versus six, they were calculating what else would a family of three versus six needed?  It was okay for them to both give two chickens to a family of three and six.  In my head, I was thinking of the injustice for the family of three, but there is no such thing as just and unjust in God’s grace.  There is only love and joy when speaking of grace.  They might not be the fastest working people I ever seen, but they are certainly one of the fastest grace-giving people I have ever met.  They don’t care about numbers, dividing the resources up evenly, or how to pace up the process, they only care about what else could they give to the family and what more do they need.      

I was depended on the stability of the food pantry, therefore self-stability and therefore, one’s own stability, instead of the stability from God.  Grace isn’t something that can be calculated, it is given generously and all we can do is accept it.

If I could change one thing about 2012, what would it be?

Someone asked me if I could change one thing about 2012, what would it be?  2012 was a strange year for me.  It is the first year since I could remember that I have spent much of my time away from home.  I spent the first half of it as a candidate and to my surprise, the second half as a novice.  It was a year of many transitions.  In the midst of all those transitions, I was called for the first time to be pastoral.  It was a bit overwhelming at first emotionally to hear the stories of people telling me about their broken families, broken relationships and broken hearts.  I was glad that they felt comfortable talking to me about their hardships, but sometimes it was too much for me to listen to.  I have some people crying on me at times and you just don’t know what else to do besides embracing them.  It was a struggle between wanting to find the right words to say and wanting to do something to help.  A lesson that took me a whole year to learn was that sometimes just being there and being wholly present is enough.  I probably cannot fix most things, but I am able to reflect the love and hope of God to them and trust that God will take care of the rest.  This is really easier said than done for me.

So if I could change one thing about 2012, what would it be?  I wish I was more gentle with people.  I wish I was more compassionate, more comforting and more loving.  I know that’s more than one thing, but the point being, helping to lift other people’s burdens to show them that God’s grace can and will heal.  I am reminded of Fr. Ronald Rolheiser’s words, “Like the prodigal son, the world needs first of all to be surprised by unconditional love.”  How true is that?  Jesus did not start his ministry by lecturing others.  He started with love and mercy.  In the end, whatever I do in the new year, I want to begin with Jesus and always done in his name.  I had the privilege of journeying with many people I’ve met in 2012 and the privilege of serving others in my continual learning of humility and love.

Have a blessed 2013 everyone!