"Jesus, here is James. James, here is Jesus."

Before entering the novitiate year, my family gave me a picture of Jesus entitled “Jesus, llama.”  It has a picture of Jesus stretching his hand out as it if he was calling us to come to him.  Sometimes this invitation is not as easy to respond to.  It’s a daily struggle to have the will power to approach Jesus.  This may be because we feel tired, ashamed, proud, restless, angry, or unworthy.  For some reason this past week during my retreat, I just felt so restless.  I wrestled with the solitude of being a hermit.  It was like my body telling me to do something, be productive and get up.  In contrast, my heart was telling me to slow down, worry about the ‘now’, and immerse yourself in God.  In our culture, accomplishments equal self-worth, I felt completely useless.

I knew I was on retreat so I felt the need to impress God and myself with fancy and creative prayer performances.  At times, I couldn’t come up with anything spectacular so I fall back to a prayer book, the rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet.  It was a safe bet and I was sure God would be pleased.  I felt holy and my head was swelling in pride.  That sense of holiness didn’t last for long because it was fabricated.  It quickly dissolved and I felt miserable again, back to being restless.  The first day passed, then the second, and then the third.  By Thursday, I cheated and went to a nearby parish where they had perpetual adoration.  This was because I know where ever I am or whatever I am doing, being in the presence of Christ through the Eucharist always makes me feel at home.  And home is where my heart is at the most peace. 

I don’t know how to describe it in words, but upon entering the door to the adoration chapel, awe was struck upon me and I felt a pull.  It seems there was a joyful presence that wants me here, more than I want to be there, and it felt right.  I was nervous and anxious, but sat down and uttered what were just simple words: “Jesus, here is James.”  And from the monstrance to my heart, “James, here is Jesus.”  What seems to be just plain and ordinary words, are actually a profound prayer experience.  It was this one-sentence dialogue that sums up my entire novitiate year.  Jesus, here I am, I have come to do your will.  James, here I am, I desire to be in your presence.  You are in my mind and in my heart.  Come to me, lay down your burdens and find rest.  Let me gaze upon your eyes and show you the depth of my love for you.  James, here I am, be still… and know that I am God.